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Sunday, October 18th, 2009
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As time has gone along, I've come to realize that "moving on" and "getting over it" are not synonymous terms. I'm great at "moving on"; I can push through mountains to get where I want to be. But "getting over it"? Definitely not an art I've mastered.
I am such a control freak, which makes this bullshit all the more difficult for me.
I love you, and I wish we had a way to sit down and talk without all the context.
Best part of my day so far: Picture exchange e-mail.... can't you tell how productive PhD students are?
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1 insouciant voice - are you indifferent?
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Thursday, September 17th, 2009
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Someone brought up Dashboard Confessional today during my psychotherapy practicum... I have not listened in forever. I am feeling verryyyy 2002/2003.... such good memories to go with these songs. I miss you guys.
:)
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10 insouciant voices - are you indifferent?
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Been busy. Life is good. Moving soon(ish).In need of coffee.
Thanks to those that came to Kobe with me last weekend; I really appreciated your company and support. After over a year of working long hours and being a social leper, I'm excited to spend some more time out and about. Oh and hookah is awesome, by the way.
Saw Watchmen; liked it. Is it weird that I thought the guy playing Night Owl was really hot? I'm also pretty pleased that they reintroduced a psychoanalytic centerpiece into pop-culture, but I really wish they would pronounce his name correctly. If you have not seen RocknRolla, please do so. Never before has my desire to endlessly ravish Gerard Butler been more affirmed.
I think I'm getting spring fever.
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3 insouciant voices - are you indifferent?
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Saturday, December 27th, 2008
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| Time: | 9:13 pm. |
| Mood: |  curious. | | Music: | Obadiah Parker - Hey Yeah. |
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Dear Sacramento,
Why are your restaurants so goddamn full?!? Also, I do not appreciate the fact that everyone driving on the 80 fwy slams on their brakes for 2 miles to watch a car with a flat tire. And what's up with the severe lack of Del Taco in the area? Sometimes a burrito craving is just not satiated by Taco Bell.
You treat me so bad, and yet I love you still.
I can't deny that I love visiting my family up here, especially during this time of year. Two new cousins have been born in the last 6 months, and I love being able to meet them while they're still chewing on fingers and drooling all over me (seriously, I'm not being sarcastic).
Since I have neglected this thing for so long, I feel somewhat obligated to include updates about the previous year and blablabla. I guess I'll save that for another entry, because I'm gonna go drink some wine with my grandparents.
PS... If you have not listened to this song, you are missing out.
PPS.. what's worth seeing/what is worth going to out here?
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7 insouciant voices - are you indifferent?
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Every month I write a check to the Irvine Company for $1980 in payment for rent, and every month, a little piece of my soul dies along with the balance in my checking account.
I'm alone at work, and therefore cannot leave to obtain food. My level of hunger is so elevated that I am considering this option:
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2 insouciant voices - are you indifferent?
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Wednesday, October 12th, 2005
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it's almost like once you start going, it never really stops. at all. my days, plans, and memories are all stacked so high lately that it's a miracle i've been able to keep them standing at all. i suppose i have certain people to thank for this. <3<3.
OH. so, if anyone watches the ellen show, look for me in the front row on today's show. yep, i went to a taping yesterday with some people from work. my boss, kenny, actually got chosen to participate in a segment with the two top people from the "so you think you can dance?" show. and it was my fault he got chosen. hahaha, priceless. but if you want to see me dancing like a retard on national television, don't miss today's show at 4! i will surely be a star.
for all those following the almost infamous MULLET v CLEAVAGE WAR... i win, HEHE! yeah, i pretty much rocked that crap. and to avoid all future questioning, NO, that is not an actual picture of me.
i called cole clay aiken, and he bit me. :(
weight training sucks. i have to take it this semester to get the pe credits i need to complete my degree (why this is required for an associate's in psychology is beyond me...). we basically are let free to roam a room full of weights and football players for 65 minutes, twice a week. we are, however, allowed 25 minutes of "cardio" activity each session; an option of which is to walk/run around campus. i have found this quite useful, actually. last week i spent my cardio sneaking off to old navy, and the day after that i visited people at work for nearly 45 minutes. thanks, weight training! you're making a difference in my every day life.
i miss brisa.
i have a bio exam on monday. this is bad, considering i have ditched lecture three times in the last few weeks. damn you, 8am class. and so please understand if i am scarce this weekend, escpecially since all of sunday will be spent in los angeles participating in the annual aids walk. who wants to go with me, anyway? even if you haven't signed up, you can still walk. someone go with me. anyone. thanks.
i would actually be studying right now, but recent discoveries have shown me that reading can actually be quite dangerous:
in other news:
DON'T YOU WISH UR GIRLFRIEND WAS HOT LIKE ME?
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10 insouciant voices - are you indifferent?
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Monday, September 26th, 2005
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if you read this, even if i don't speak to you often,
you must reply with a memory of me. it can be anything you want -- good or bad, just as long as it happened.
then post this up yourself and see what people remember about you.
[and please humor that this is a lame post.]
i dunno; i just had a feeling.
my bio lecture was cancelled this morning, and other than an email from sluttony, i have had zero human contact. and so i have been doing nothing but [mostly] aimless thinking this morning, and have thus far decided the following:
1) the idea that "everything happens for a reason" is actually pretty confining, in that it causes you to analyze all occurences without consideration for coincidence;
2) there are no guarantees about anything - plans, other people, yourself. while this is strangely liberating, it's also pretty scary;
3) i am quite strange.
... and no, none of this has to do with being unhappy. just thoughts.
now i'm gonna go read postmodern art history for my 2pm snoozefest.. uh.. lecture.
AND,
i want to go on another roadtrip soon.
really really bad.
these guys make my life better. <3<3.
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40 insouciant voices - are you indifferent?
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Friday, September 23rd, 2005
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i believe this not only goes to show what my friends REALLY think of me,
but also that they are tremendous nerds.
this post has no real purpose, EXCEPT that of a slight disclaimer;
all those who plan on coming to my house tonight should know the following:
-this was never intended to be a "party," (despite what you may have heard *COUGH DEREK GLASS COUGH*), but rather a "vegan potluck" of sorts. while i'd love to see you all and say hi, i don't really want a bunch of loud drunk people everywhere. and i don't want to piss my neighbors off. so yes, come over, but yeah, it's not a crazy party. nor will it be an all night event, seeing as my parents are coming home in the morning.
-and yes, i did say potluck. so if you want to bring something over, it's greatly appreciated (chips, salsa, drinks, whatever). and yes, this gathering is definitely byob.
-favor de llamarme con preguntas. (please call if you have a question).
thanks, see you later.
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14 insouciant voices - are you indifferent?
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Saturday, September 3rd, 2005
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the days have been moving so fast lately. i started school on monday, and with the exception of being stared down by seth and the frightening mullet man's "creative" vocabulary on wednesday night, i am very much pleased with my schedule so far. or perhaps i'm just amazed by my own ability to convince both cole and zach to enroll in human sexuality with me. but maybe i'm just not giving credit where it's due; and the dirty pictures of lesbians and venerial diseases are really what sealed the deal for them. yet at any rate, the memory of the three of us skipping across campus on monday, hand in hand, will never stop making me smile.
i remember once writing that "people are, for the most part, responsible for manufacturing their own reality." i've been mulling over that idea lately, and in it i've found a slight sense of comfort with the present. in a world where so much is unclear or simply unfathomable, it's nice to know that what i feel is real, and that regardless of reciprocation or alternative perspectives, there's an authenticity to my emotions and thoughts that no one else has to confirm. they're real for no reason other than that i feel / think them.
zach is awesome. he is one of the few people i can actually have meaningful, thoughtful conversation with... even though he is severely misinformed about roe vs wade and all of its implications. i will be immensely sad when, after next semester, we can no longer take classes together and fight about pressing social issues. much <3 for you, hobag.
allen comes home in a little over two weeks. i've really missed that jerkburger, it's gonna be nice to see him again ... especially because it won't be in omaha this time. i'm forseeing many airhockey challenges and countless pressings of emergency blinkers in my not-too-distant future. and that, my friends, is one more thing i have to smile about.
...why are almost all of my friends guys?
if you feel the desire to cut me neatly out of your life, the least you can do is be honest with me about it. i'm not a child, and neither are you. i thought the least you could do would be to have the respect to tell me the truth. but i suppose it's all different means to the same end, right? bueno suerte, mi amigo, and may the next path you follow not cross back into mine.
cole is cole. is cole is cole is cole. translation: awesome. some of my most revered memories as of late include time spent in a darkened green room, watching a clock that reads only pm followed by some ungodly hour. that and the strawberry voice, hahahah. god, i'm spoiled. <3<3.
someone go to disneyland with me, i must remedy my pathetic score.
OH, and one more thing, for future reference:
*UPDATED- current standings*:
aubrey: 987553
cole: -4
...only time shall tell.
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24 insouciant voices - are you indifferent?
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Wednesday, August 24th, 2005
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can it be???!? have i, for the first time in years, become a regular livejournal poster??! meh, i suppose anything is possible.
TO DO LIST:
-deal with district / regional managers for the gap (CHECK)
-eat lunch with the beach (CHECK)
-prepare for school to start on monday (MEH)
-catch up on hangout time with zach / james (MUST MAKE THIS HAPPEN)
-convince mr.graf to visit california (PENDING)
-do inventory for entire store (FRIDAY)
-knott's berry farm with cole
( (CHECK) )
( let the rain fall, i don't care... )
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15 insouciant voices - are you indifferent?
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Monday, August 22nd, 2005
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today. yeah... i hate today.
i hate that i am usually right about things like this. i hate that you never saw anything that i did. i hate that i believe in "signs" and "fate" over logic. i hate that you do that to yourself. i hate that i let it all affect me. i hate that i am typing in stupid livejournal right now. i hate feeling like this. i hate that i remember everything. i hate the word hate. i hate knowing that everything will be alright in time - primarily because it seems to imply that which used to exist wasn't nearly as important as i dreamed it up to be.
zach + james - sorry about tonight, i will be in touch with you two tomorrow morning, but it's pretty much looking like a no go. and i hate that too.
tomorrow is my last day off before school starts. i will not be spending it in the desert.
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10 insouciant voices - are you indifferent?
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Thursday, August 18th, 2005
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so...
yeah. for those who have noticed, i apologize for being somewhat mia lately. readjustment is a continuing process, i suppose, and i'm still getting a feel for things. for whom it concerns, i have actually been doing pretty well. i find that i'm keeping myself busy not to stop myself from thinking about other things, but because it's actually how i've grown to like living.
the grove is beautiful. i got to spend some paid time there yesterday (thanks, GAP!), and it was just gorgeous. i've been travelling a lot for meetings lately - i am the DENIM SPECIALIST for my store, haha, so i've been attending some workshops and seminars relating to jeans. it's amazing how important denim is to these people... and going to these gatherings is often like visiting pretty people conventions. i feel a little out of place at times, but seeing such a different side of the company is pretty amazing [although i hate to admit it]. despite everything, i still love that job... and my denim. <3.
saw howie day a couple of weeks ago. and wow... that man is incredible. and if good looks and profound talent weren't enough, he's also got a pretty awesome sense of humor. i will never tire of you, mr. day. thanks for giving me something to dream about.
i have been spending nearly every waking moment with cole. that crazy, clay-aiken-kid makes me laugh harder than i have in a long, long time. and we never even really do anything, it's awesome. we watched three episodes of MEGASTRUCTURES last night. the night before we bought a coconut and cut it open, just to see what the inside looked like. hell, we even rented CONGO [movie masterpiece!]. gotta love how all the gorillas jump in the lava at the end. BUT ANYWAY. he is awesome. make laugh. make life better. yay.
and, in favor of not breaking what seems to have become a habit for me, some pictures of our escapade to see howie day:
( WARNING: BURRITOS ARE EXPLOSIVE )
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14 insouciant voices - are you indifferent?
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Thursday, August 4th, 2005
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the weekend was incredible. i, in chronological order, watched penguins with a rockstar, danced to algerian music, discovered that mr. graf still rocks my world, got a postcard from the middle east, and watched who may very well be the best poker player i know stay in the game for hours.
i turn twenty in three days. maybe it's just me, but i'm thinking this year is going to be a good one.
and now, the drunken dance stylings of the ninja parakeet:
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20 insouciant voices - are you indifferent?
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when working towards change for your future, the best thing to do is most likely not trying to alter the past. that thought crossed my mind as i nearly gave into going on an old-entry-deleting rampage. there are certain things that hurt me to think about or read through at this point, but at the same time, they aren't things i want to forget. oh sweet livejournal, you shall leave me forever torn. and now i shall do my best to ne not-vague in a brief aubrey update:
tonight was good, even if it wasn't exactly what i had in mind. went to the ruby in hollywood (sunday nights = club beat it, woot) and canter's. i have decided that while canter's offers excellent french fries, the restaurant in its entirety is somewhat creepy. ah well, what else can you expect at 1am on a sunday. i very much want to go again, possibly with people more interested in an 80s dance club, haha. and the whole being the third wheel to another couple thing, which is cool most of the time, can be major suckage at these events. but i went, i danced, and i probably looked like an idiot. things didn't go anywhere near to planned, but in a way, it kind of made things better.
work has been awesome... my saving grace these last few weeks, actually. stress from my training/promotion status is inevitable, but the distraction it offers has been worth it (forever the avoidant, hehe). i really love everything about my job, save the fact that i have to work in the mall everyday. but i suppose that has its own benefits as well, although i will not admit that if you ask me later.
i like to think that i'm doing quite well in spite of everything i've been faced with lately. while this is most likely that newfound optimism at work (where the hell did it come from anyway?). yes, josh and i did break up. yes, i am still alive. yes, we do still care about each other. most people seem uncomfortable mentioning this or asking me about it, but i don't mind discussing it as long as it's not taken as an invitation for unsolicited advice or criticism. believe me, you won't be the first to tell me that i'm stupid or wrong, and i just don't need to be surrounding myself with that kind of thing at present. i don't necessarily expect people to understand, but i suppose the truth is that no one else needs to.
why am i still awake at 4:30am? gahhh.
i have a ton of free time this week, so give a call.
someone who is not afraid of vegetarian food needs to go to native foods with me.
turning to face what you've become
bury the ashes of someone
broken by the strain
trying to fill that space inside
am i just like you?
all the things you do, can't help myself...
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10 insouciant voices - are you indifferent?
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tonight consisted of, in chronological order: spending time with an old friend, facial pain caused by laughter, bobby's very drunk friend flirting with me, offroading to abandoned missile silo in dhs, swinging at ironwood park, having the cops called on us, driving my friend's overpowered truck home because said cops insist he is drunk ("i just LOOK drunk!"), stupid joke about hotdogs that will always make me laugh.
i'm thankful for friends like this... people you may fall in and out of contact with as you go about daily trials and life changes, yet people you can depend on to be there for you when things turn for the worst. the last few days (actually, weeks) have been some of the hardest i have ever experienced. i feel this uncomfortable peace with my current situation, and i'm not quite sure if it's a temporary state of denial or a reassurance that i've made the right decision.
love has always been, to me, a matter so complex that i can barely fathom it internally, much less attempt to discuss it in an intelligent manner. and though it's probably childish and egocentric of me to assume so, it's like i feel things so much differently than most people. emotions are like overwhelming floods for me, with the tides alternating between an abrasive apathy and an even less manageable hypersensitivity. but, unpredictable as they may be, i've never really doubted my heart or the things that it's told me. and while this has gotten me into trouble in the past (and as it would now seem, the present), i don't have any real regrets.
"great love may never leave you and you may never get over it...but even great love can't solve everything."
i wish that timing wasn't so off, or that things were different, or maybe just that i was. but there are things about myself and these circumstances that i can't change. a relationship so based in struggle and emotional submersion is not what either of us needs, and i can't help but wonder why you stayed so quiet when you knew things weren't right. were you just too afraid to tell me how you felt? afraid to hurt me? and as i look back on what i've lost... a fiancee, a best friend, my first everything.... i'm even more afraid of what i'll be losing as time pushes us forward and further apart. the phone calls will dwindle into faded memories, the happy greetings will give way to slight smiles and quick waves, and soon enough we'll be nothing but strangers in passing.
i want so badly to believe that this won't be the case for us, that what we have (had?) is stronger than that, that we still care enough about one another to not throw it away. but it hit me, right between the eyes, like a fucking ton of bricks, as i stood watching the stars on that lonely pile of sand and abandoned furniture tonight. i'm single. s-i-n-g-l-e. not that i particularly care in most circumstances, but loving someone, wanting the best for them, and knowing that you can't be with them... that you are, in fact, not the best thing for them... is the most difficult pain to tolerate.
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10 insouciant voices - are you indifferent?
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Wednesday, April 27th, 2005
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why do i have a cold during spring? today marks the second day of me speaking in my incredibly sexy darth vader / phlegm voice. gahhh.
it sucks when people you consider good friends can't be happy for you; it's even more fun when they just stop talking to you. but yeah, thanks for letting me know that's the kind of friend you are! and i appreciate the fact that you can't separate reality from your own expectations. i would say it was nice knowing you, but hey, i guess i really don't know you at all.
ranting and illness aside, i'm actually doing pretty awesomelytastic. the semester is almost over, and it looks as though i'll be able to hang onto my gpa. score. moving to san diego in the fall... doing a transfer guarantee program for john muir college at ucsd. went on campus last time i was down there... and damn, i'm going to get lost about 14 times a day. but yeah, i'm excited. work is good; i'm doing supervisor training this week. and i can always transfer my job when i move; still trying to figure out if i'm gonna have to be working. i miss brisa. josh is underway this week, and i am thus returning to my social-leper ways. but things are really falling into place for me. first time since... god, i really don't know when, that i've finally been able to ditch those feelings of apprehension. life is good. but most of all, i'm happy for this reason:
and to anyone else that wants to give me shit about my choices:
tell me i'm wrong all you want;
it's never going to make you any more right.
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44 insouciant voices - are you indifferent?
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Thursday, March 24th, 2005
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dflbjnf;kjbsadf;jbq.
this is the best term i can think of to describe my current emotional status.
in the last week, i've been through about ten states, three time zones, and more emotional BLAH than i care to discuss. saw old friends, relived old feelings, even visited some new places. i would say re-opening old wounds, but i guess that's not possible with something that never really healed in the first place. some of it was bad, some of it was good, and some of it just hurt. but i prefer that over feeling nothing; the lifestyle that you've adopted isn't anything i could ever cope with.
fucked up the sentra in a car accident. YEEEPPP, such a great thing to have, especially when you're a thousand miles from home. it's been rainy and gloomy here for the last few days, and the water on the road partnered with taking a freeway interchange too fast didn't make for a great combination. the car fishtailed after i braked to keep from sliding into the other lane, which then led to swerving back and forth across two or three lanes before eventually slamming into a curb. thankfully there wasn't another car merging at the same time; it scares the shit out of me to think what could have been. less than twenty minutes out of kansas city though, thank god, so we're not completely stranded. we did, however, make the mistake of taking the car to goodyear to get repaired (which has now proved to be a fatal msitake). took them about five hours to look at the car, they ordered and had the wrong replacement wheel delivered, and then waited until closing to notify us that there was "NO WAY" our car would ever make it to california without some new parts for the frame (which had previously gone unmentioned, actually. the initial response of the guy working there was that it would be "totally fine" to drive it the 1300+ miles to california; i can only imagine what fun it could have been if we got in another accident on the way home... maybe we could even have a semi involved this time, just for luck!).
and so we'll wait until they call us tomorrow. i'm sure the cost will be outrageous.
blaaagghhh.
and so here i am, 1497 miles away in a place that's freezing cold, probably about $600+ in car repairs, and with a feeling that i've been very wrong.
"tomorrow it'll be like none of this ever happened, right?"
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18 insouciant voices - are you indifferent?
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![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
aubs4's journal
cheerful.
bouncy.
my aim is true.
this should be interesting..
shit-tacular.
sick of this.
hopeless.