the lines between who i am and who i invent

A note on the semantics of life.

2009-10-18T20:08:41Z

As time has gone along, I've come to realize that "moving on" and "getting over it" are not synonymous terms. I'm great at "moving on"; I can push through mountains to get where I want to be. But "getting over it"? Definitely not an art I've mastered.

I am such a control freak, which makes this bullshit all the more difficult for me.

I love you, and I wish we had a way to sit down and talk without all the context.

Best part of my day so far: Picture exchange e-mail.... can't you tell how productive PhD students are?

BRISA+MEGAN+KYMI+CHRISTINE!

2009-09-17T04:18:44Z

Someone brought up Dashboard Confessional today during my psychotherapy practicum... I have not listened in forever. I am feeling verryyyy 2002/2003.... such good memories to go with these songs. I miss you guys.

:)

Like bricks underwater.

2009-03-17T04:23:20Z

Been busy. Life is good. Moving soon(ish).In need of coffee.

Thanks to those that came to Kobe with me last weekend; I really appreciated your company and support. After over a year of working long hours and being a social leper, I'm excited to spend some more time out and about. Oh and hookah is awesome, by the way.

Saw Watchmen; liked it. Is it weird that I thought the guy playing Night Owl was really hot? I'm also pretty pleased that they reintroduced a psychoanalytic centerpiece into pop-culture, but I really wish they would pronounce his name correctly. If you have not seen RocknRolla, please do so. Never before has my desire to endlessly ravish Gerard Butler been more affirmed.

I think I'm getting spring fever.

aubs4 @ 2008-12-27T21:13:00

2008-12-28T05:36:51Z

Dear Sacramento,

Why are your restaurants so goddamn full?!? Also, I do not appreciate the fact that everyone driving on the 80 fwy slams on their brakes for 2 miles to watch a car with a flat tire. And what's up with the severe lack of Del Taco in the area? Sometimes a burrito craving is just not satiated by Taco Bell.

You treat me so bad, and yet I love you still.

I can't deny that I love visiting my family up here, especially during this time of year. Two new cousins have been born in the last 6 months, and I love being able to meet them while they're still chewing on fingers and drooling all over me (seriously, I'm not being sarcastic).

Since I have neglected this thing for so long, I feel somewhat obligated to include updates about the previous year and blablabla. I guess I'll save that for another entry, because I'm gonna go drink some wine with my grandparents.

PS... If you have not listened to this song, you are missing out.
PPS.. what's worth seeing/what is worth going to out here?

aubs4 @ 2008-03-03T15:53:00

2008-03-03T23:56:16Z

Every month I write a check to the Irvine Company for $1980 in payment for rent, and every month, a little piece of my soul dies along with the balance in my checking account.

I'm alone at work, and therefore cannot leave to obtain food. My level of hunger is so elevated that I am considering this option:

she's cold and she's cruel, but she knows what she's doing...

2005-10-12T17:41:10Z

it's almost like once you start going, it never really stops. at all. my days, plans, and memories are all stacked so high lately that it's a miracle i've been able to keep them standing at all. i suppose i have certain people to thank for this. <3<3.

OH. so, if anyone watches the ellen show, look for me in the front row on today's show. yep, i went to a taping yesterday with some people from work. my boss, kenny, actually got chosen to participate in a segment with the two top people from the "so you think you can dance?" show. and it was my fault he got chosen. hahaha, priceless. but if you want to see me dancing like a retard on national television, don't miss today's show at 4! i will surely be a star.

for all those following the almost infamous MULLET v CLEAVAGE WAR... i win, HEHE! yeah, i pretty much rocked that crap. and to avoid all future questioning, NO, that is not an actual picture of me.

i called cole clay aiken, and he bit me. :(

weight training sucks. i have to take it this semester to get the pe credits i need to complete my degree (why this is required for an associate's in psychology is beyond me...). we basically are let free to roam a room full of weights and football players for 65 minutes, twice a week. we are, however, allowed 25 minutes of "cardio" activity each session; an option of which is to walk/run around campus. i have found this quite useful, actually. last week i spent my cardio sneaking off to old navy, and the day after that i visited people at work for nearly 45 minutes. thanks, weight training! you're making a difference in my every day life.

i miss brisa.

i have a bio exam on monday. this is bad, considering i have ditched lecture three times in the last few weeks. damn you, 8am class. and so please understand if i am scarce this weekend, escpecially since all of sunday will be spent in los angeles participating in the annual aids walk. who wants to go with me, anyway? even if you haven't signed up, you can still walk. someone go with me. anyone. thanks.

i would actually be studying right now, but recent discoveries have shown me that reading can actually be quite dangerous:

in other news:
DON'T YOU WISH UR GIRLFRIEND WAS HOT LIKE ME?

sometimes i wish i could stop you from talking when i hear the silly things that you say...

2005-09-26T18:37:39Z

if you read this, even if i don't speak to you often,
you must reply with a memory of me. it can be anything you want -- good or bad, just as long as it happened.
then post this up yourself and see what people remember about you.

[and please humor that this is a lame post.]
i dunno; i just had a feeling.
my bio lecture was cancelled this morning, and other than an email from sluttony, i have had zero human contact. and so i have been doing nothing but [mostly] aimless thinking this morning, and have thus far decided the following:

1) the idea that "everything happens for a reason" is actually pretty confining, in that it causes you to analyze all occurences without consideration for coincidence;
2) there are no guarantees about anything - plans, other people, yourself. while this is strangely liberating, it's also pretty scary;
3) i am quite strange.

... and no, none of this has to do with being unhappy. just thoughts.
now i'm gonna go read postmodern art history for my 2pm snoozefest.. uh.. lecture.

AND,
i want to go on another roadtrip soon.
really really bad.

these guys make my life better. <3<3.

i'll take the chance of being disappointed because, baby, i've changed.

2005-09-23T20:24:17Z

i believe this not only goes to show what my friends REALLY think of me,
but also that they are tremendous nerds.

this post has no real purpose, EXCEPT that of a slight disclaimer;

all those who plan on coming to my house tonight should know the following:

-this was never intended to be a "party," (despite what you may have heard *COUGH DEREK GLASS COUGH*), but rather a "vegan potluck" of sorts. while i'd love to see you all and say hi, i don't really want a bunch of loud drunk people everywhere. and i don't want to piss my neighbors off. so yes, come over, but yeah, it's not a crazy party. nor will it be an all night event, seeing as my parents are coming home in the morning.

-and yes, i did say potluck. so if you want to bring something over, it's greatly appreciated (chips, salsa, drinks, whatever). and yes, this gathering is definitely byob.

-favor de llamarme con preguntas. (please call if you have a question).

thanks, see you later.

and i don't know if i've ever been really loved by hand that's touched me...

2005-09-03T18:51:48Z

the days have been moving so fast lately. i started school on monday, and with the exception of being stared down by seth and the frightening mullet man's "creative" vocabulary on wednesday night, i am very much pleased with my schedule so far. or perhaps i'm just amazed by my own ability to convince both cole and zach to enroll in human sexuality with me. but maybe i'm just not giving credit where it's due; and the dirty pictures of lesbians and venerial diseases are really what sealed the deal for them. yet at any rate, the memory of the three of us skipping across campus on monday, hand in hand, will never stop making me smile.

i remember once writing that "people are, for the most part, responsible for manufacturing their own reality." i've been mulling over that idea lately, and in it i've found a slight sense of comfort with the present. in a world where so much is unclear or simply unfathomable, it's nice to know that what i feel is real, and that regardless of reciprocation or alternative perspectives, there's an authenticity to my emotions and thoughts that no one else has to confirm. they're real for no reason other than that i feel / think them.

zach is awesome. he is one of the few people i can actually have meaningful, thoughtful conversation with... even though he is severely misinformed about roe vs wade and all of its implications. i will be immensely sad when, after next semester, we can no longer take classes together and fight about pressing social issues. much <3 for you, hobag.

allen comes home in a little over two weeks. i've really missed that jerkburger, it's gonna be nice to see him again ... especially because it won't be in omaha this time. i'm forseeing many airhockey challenges and countless pressings of emergency blinkers in my not-too-distant future. and that, my friends, is one more thing i have to smile about.

...why are almost all of my friends guys?

if you feel the desire to cut me neatly out of your life, the least you can do is be honest with me about it. i'm not a child, and neither are you. i thought the least you could do would be to have the respect to tell me the truth. but i suppose it's all different means to the same end, right? bueno suerte, mi amigo, and may the next path you follow not cross back into mine.

cole is cole. is cole is cole is cole. translation: awesome. some of my most revered memories as of late include time spent in a darkened green room, watching a clock that reads only pm followed by some ungodly hour. that and the strawberry voice, hahahah. god, i'm spoiled. <3<3.

someone go to disneyland with me, i must remedy my pathetic score.
OH, and one more thing, for future reference:

*UPDATED- current standings*:

aubrey: 987553
cole: -4

...only time shall tell.

give me your hand and you will see; your heart is keeping time with me.

2005-08-25T03:01:14Z

can it be???!? have i, for the first time in years, become a regular livejournal poster??! meh, i suppose anything is possible.

TO DO LIST:

-deal with district / regional managers for the gap (CHECK)
-eat lunch with the beach (CHECK)
-prepare for school to start on monday (MEH)
-catch up on hangout time with zach / james (MUST MAKE THIS HAPPEN)
-convince mr.graf to visit california (PENDING)
-do inventory for entire store (FRIDAY)
-knott's berry farm with cole

...this is not a random picture, we actually found this guy on a street corner in san diego. at least he's honest...?

and so we ventured on to knott's berry farm. we decided that it would be fun to go on the PERILOUS PLUNGE ride...

and, as you can see, we became throughly soaked. the fact that i have naturally wavy hair and that i was riding roller coasters combined to give me the most awesome afro of all time for the rest of the day.

i attempted to style cole's hair into a super-sweet fauxhawk, but was terribly unsuccessful. :(

hahah. hahahhahahah. yeah.

i love photo booths, even though i am making the most awesomely demented face in this one.

we made some new friends, but cole was pretty much just trying to get some. sluuut.

...she turned him down, so he stole my date instead.

but i didn't go home alone either! gotta love the post-water-ride ugliness.

and they all lived happily ever,
in a magically clay-aiken world.

COLE GET LIVEJURNAL
K THX

(not good enough for a subject)

2005-08-22T08:59:27Z

today. yeah... i hate today.

i hate that i am usually right about things like this. i hate that you never saw anything that i did. i hate that i believe in "signs" and "fate" over logic. i hate that you do that to yourself. i hate that i let it all affect me. i hate that i am typing in stupid livejournal right now. i hate feeling like this. i hate that i remember everything. i hate the word hate. i hate knowing that everything will be alright in time - primarily because it seems to imply that which used to exist wasn't nearly as important as i dreamed it up to be.

zach + james - sorry about tonight, i will be in touch with you two tomorrow morning, but it's pretty much looking like a no go. and i hate that too.

tomorrow is my last day off before school starts. i will not be spending it in the desert.

and while you wonder if you should let me in, i only wanted to begin.

2005-08-18T18:00:11Z

so...

yeah. for those who have noticed, i apologize for being somewhat mia lately. readjustment is a continuing process, i suppose, and i'm still getting a feel for things. for whom it concerns, i have actually been doing pretty well. i find that i'm keeping myself busy not to stop myself from thinking about other things, but because it's actually how i've grown to like living.

the grove is beautiful. i got to spend some paid time there yesterday (thanks, GAP!), and it was just gorgeous. i've been travelling a lot for meetings lately - i am the DENIM SPECIALIST for my store, haha, so i've been attending some workshops and seminars relating to jeans. it's amazing how important denim is to these people... and going to these gatherings is often like visiting pretty people conventions. i feel a little out of place at times, but seeing such a different side of the company is pretty amazing [although i hate to admit it]. despite everything, i still love that job... and my denim. <3.

saw howie day a couple of weeks ago. and wow... that man is incredible. and if good looks and profound talent weren't enough, he's also got a pretty awesome sense of humor. i will never tire of you, mr. day. thanks for giving me something to dream about.

i have been spending nearly every waking moment with cole. that crazy, clay-aiken-kid makes me laugh harder than i have in a long, long time. and we never even really do anything, it's awesome. we watched three episodes of MEGASTRUCTURES last night. the night before we bought a coconut and cut it open, just to see what the inside looked like. hell, we even rented CONGO [movie masterpiece!]. gotta love how all the gorillas jump in the lava at the end. BUT ANYWAY. he is awesome. make laugh. make life better. yay.

and, in favor of not breaking what seems to have become a habit for me, some pictures of our escapade to see howie day:

we went to chipootle... chipotable... CHIPOTLE for lunch. my burrito exploded :(

kelly took this one because there's a piece rice on my shirt. i look scary, YES!

...yeah, i don't know.

we spent about 38 minutes trying to find beverages and more. bobby was pretty excited by the time we did. hahah.

bobby and kelly were pretty excited about the energy drinks they got at 3 IN THE FUCKING MORNING.

perhaps a bit TOO excited?

it's amazing that we're all still friends. awesome day.

.. and then i fell in love with a dog and lived happily ever after.
FIN

this is fact not fiction, for the first time in [20] years.

2005-08-04T18:44:31Z

CHEERS!

and happy birthday to me!

i have decided that all i really want is howie day. and perhaps a couple of plane tickets.
thanks. <3.

for the fire i lack, this flame is feeling fine...

2005-08-01T10:30:06Z

the weekend was incredible. i, in chronological order, watched penguins with a rockstar, danced to algerian music, discovered that mr. graf still rocks my world, got a postcard from the middle east, and watched who may very well be the best poker player i know stay in the game for hours.

i turn twenty in three days. maybe it's just me, but i'm thinking this year is going to be a good one.

and now, the drunken dance stylings of the ninja parakeet:

i know the moment's near, and there's nothing we can do...

2005-07-19T07:08:26Z

for the first time in forever, i'm all smiles.

^_^

went to the oc county fair with kelly, matt, and mike to see the gin blossoms / dishwalla... tears for fears?? ...never heard of them. we look like ghosts. sweet!

jr on screen during the concert. this man's voice gives me a peace that i can't even being to describe.

...uh. yeah.

we found this really weird sculpture (?)... thing. shoved between a couple of bushes in the back of the park. after careful examination, neither kelly nor i could identify this green mass.

we went to sixflags the next morning. this guy was everywhere.

SEE???!?

they were playing really crappy music where we ate lunch.

...how did this get in here?!?!

a scary picture of me. being a ghost. cool huh.

random paramedic.

good times, good friends, good memories.
fin.

i don't know your thoughts these days; we're strangers in an empty space.

2005-07-11T19:10:36Z

so i'm pretty much blah about everyone/everything at the current moment, myself included.

.been hanging out with and meeting a lot of new people lately. seems i've drifted away from a lot of older friends since summer started. things have been hard. not that i really expect most to be overly concerned with something that doesn't affect them, but i've felt pretty let down by some people. but as is life; people get wrapped up in their own plans and concerns, put on their blinders and carry down their paths. which, not to risk becoming an even bigger hypocrite than i already am, is something i'm sure i do as well. i've just never been very good at superficial friendships... i like being close to people and actually knowing who they are. that and i have a very hard time forgetting about people.

.my memory drives me crazy sometimes. some random scene kid came into work a while ago wearing an exact replica of the band shirt i bought for my ex when i went to furnace fest a few years ago. and so i spent the next few days reviewing that entire relationship in my head, complete with random conversations and awkwardness and everything else. i felt pretty stupid for being so floored by that, considering the amount of time / life that has passed since any of that happened. it's these emotional ties to memory that never seem to loosen their grip that walk in and out of the shadows of my thoughts from time to time, never quite allowing me to forget or let go.

.i feel like i'm incompatible with a large number of people because i am like this; i'm not any sort of "hook-up-girl"... i have actual emotional investments in relationships and friendships.

.one of my supervisors got a new, better job. we had a going away party for him last night at the store manager's house. it was kinda strange to be hanging out with everyone outside of work, but i did get to see my boss drunk. joey loved the vegan cheesecake i brought. gah, i'm going to miss him.

.josh turned 26 last week. from here on out he shall be referred to only as "old man."

.going to six flags with kelly next week, yay.

.i have a date with two gay men on tuesday.

.i turn 20 in a few weeks. i'm seeing howie day on august 6, and was thinking about going to club bang on august 7 (if not still preoccupied with howie). let me know if you'd want to go.

you're losing direction, you're losing faith, and you're wishing for someone...

2005-06-27T11:35:44Z

when working towards change for your future, the best thing to do is most likely not trying to alter the past. that thought crossed my mind as i nearly gave into going on an old-entry-deleting rampage. there are certain things that hurt me to think about or read through at this point, but at the same time, they aren't things i want to forget. oh sweet livejournal, you shall leave me forever torn. and now i shall do my best to ne not-vague in a brief aubrey update:

tonight was good, even if it wasn't exactly what i had in mind. went to the ruby in hollywood (sunday nights = club beat it, woot) and canter's. i have decided that while canter's offers excellent french fries, the restaurant in its entirety is somewhat creepy. ah well, what else can you expect at 1am on a sunday. i very much want to go again, possibly with people more interested in an 80s dance club, haha. and the whole being the third wheel to another couple thing, which is cool most of the time, can be major suckage at these events. but i went, i danced, and i probably looked like an idiot. things didn't go anywhere near to planned, but in a way, it kind of made things better.

work has been awesome... my saving grace these last few weeks, actually. stress from my training/promotion status is inevitable, but the distraction it offers has been worth it (forever the avoidant, hehe). i really love everything about my job, save the fact that i have to work in the mall everyday. but i suppose that has its own benefits as well, although i will not admit that if you ask me later.

i like to think that i'm doing quite well in spite of everything i've been faced with lately. while this is most likely that newfound optimism at work (where the hell did it come from anyway?). yes, josh and i did break up. yes, i am still alive. yes, we do still care about each other. most people seem uncomfortable mentioning this or asking me about it, but i don't mind discussing it as long as it's not taken as an invitation for unsolicited advice or criticism. believe me, you won't be the first to tell me that i'm stupid or wrong, and i just don't need to be surrounding myself with that kind of thing at present. i don't necessarily expect people to understand, but i suppose the truth is that no one else needs to.

why am i still awake at 4:30am? gahhh.
i have a ton of free time this week, so give a call.
someone who is not afraid of vegetarian food needs to go to native foods with me.

turning to face what you've become
bury the ashes of someone
broken by the strain
trying to fill that space inside
am i just like you?
all the things you do, can't help myself...

so you feel the cold wind whisper... is there anything more deafening?

2005-06-12T09:40:20Z

tonight consisted of, in chronological order: spending time with an old friend, facial pain caused by laughter, bobby's very drunk friend flirting with me, offroading to abandoned missile silo in dhs, swinging at ironwood park, having the cops called on us, driving my friend's overpowered truck home because said cops insist he is drunk ("i just LOOK drunk!"), stupid joke about hotdogs that will always make me laugh.

i'm thankful for friends like this... people you may fall in and out of contact with as you go about daily trials and life changes, yet people you can depend on to be there for you when things turn for the worst. the last few days (actually, weeks) have been some of the hardest i have ever experienced. i feel this uncomfortable peace with my current situation, and i'm not quite sure if it's a temporary state of denial or a reassurance that i've made the right decision.

love has always been, to me, a matter so complex that i can barely fathom it internally, much less attempt to discuss it in an intelligent manner. and though it's probably childish and egocentric of me to assume so, it's like i feel things so much differently than most people. emotions are like overwhelming floods for me, with the tides alternating between an abrasive apathy and an even less manageable hypersensitivity. but, unpredictable as they may be, i've never really doubted my heart or the things that it's told me. and while this has gotten me into trouble in the past (and as it would now seem, the present), i don't have any real regrets.

"great love may never leave you and you may never get over it...but even great love can't solve everything."

i wish that timing wasn't so off, or that things were different, or maybe just that i was. but there are things about myself and these circumstances that i can't change. a relationship so based in struggle and emotional submersion is not what either of us needs, and i can't help but wonder why you stayed so quiet when you knew things weren't right. were you just too afraid to tell me how you felt? afraid to hurt me? and as i look back on what i've lost... a fiancee, a best friend, my first everything.... i'm even more afraid of what i'll be losing as time pushes us forward and further apart. the phone calls will dwindle into faded memories, the happy greetings will give way to slight smiles and quick waves, and soon enough we'll be nothing but strangers in passing.

i want so badly to believe that this won't be the case for us, that what we have (had?) is stronger than that, that we still care enough about one another to not throw it away. but it hit me, right between the eyes, like a fucking ton of bricks, as i stood watching the stars on that lonely pile of sand and abandoned furniture tonight. i'm single. s-i-n-g-l-e. not that i particularly care in most circumstances, but loving someone, wanting the best for them, and knowing that you can't be with them... that you are, in fact, not the best thing for them... is the most difficult pain to tolerate.

now that you know i'm trapped; sense of elation... you'd never dream of breaking this fixation.

2005-04-28T06:53:49Z

why do i have a cold during spring? today marks the second day of me speaking in my incredibly sexy darth vader / phlegm voice. gahhh.

it sucks when people you consider good friends can't be happy for you; it's even more fun when they just stop talking to you. but yeah, thanks for letting me know that's the kind of friend you are! and i appreciate the fact that you can't separate reality from your own expectations. i would say it was nice knowing you, but hey, i guess i really don't know you at all.

ranting and illness aside, i'm actually doing pretty awesomelytastic. the semester is almost over, and it looks as though i'll be able to hang onto my gpa. score. moving to san diego in the fall... doing a transfer guarantee program for john muir college at ucsd. went on campus last time i was down there... and damn, i'm going to get lost about 14 times a day. but yeah, i'm excited. work is good; i'm doing supervisor training this week. and i can always transfer my job when i move; still trying to figure out if i'm gonna have to be working. i miss brisa. josh is underway this week, and i am thus returning to my social-leper ways. but things are really falling into place for me. first time since... god, i really don't know when, that i've finally been able to ditch those feelings of apprehension. life is good. but most of all, i'm happy for this reason:

and to anyone else that wants to give me shit about my choices:
tell me i'm wrong all you want;
it's never going to make you any more right.

and sometimes you can still lose even if you really try...

2005-03-25T00:05:32Z

dflbjnf;kjbsadf;jbq.

this is the best term i can think of to describe my current emotional status.

in the last week, i've been through about ten states, three time zones, and more emotional BLAH than i care to discuss. saw old friends, relived old feelings, even visited some new places. i would say re-opening old wounds, but i guess that's not possible with something that never really healed in the first place. some of it was bad, some of it was good, and some of it just hurt. but i prefer that over feeling nothing; the lifestyle that you've adopted isn't anything i could ever cope with.

fucked up the sentra in a car accident. YEEEPPP, such a great thing to have, especially when you're a thousand miles from home. it's been rainy and gloomy here for the last few days, and the water on the road partnered with taking a freeway interchange too fast didn't make for a great combination. the car fishtailed after i braked to keep from sliding into the other lane, which then led to swerving back and forth across two or three lanes before eventually slamming into a curb. thankfully there wasn't another car merging at the same time; it scares the shit out of me to think what could have been. less than twenty minutes out of kansas city though, thank god, so we're not completely stranded. we did, however, make the mistake of taking the car to goodyear to get repaired (which has now proved to be a fatal msitake). took them about five hours to look at the car, they ordered and had the wrong replacement wheel delivered, and then waited until closing to notify us that there was "NO WAY" our car would ever make it to california without some new parts for the frame (which had previously gone unmentioned, actually. the initial response of the guy working there was that it would be "totally fine" to drive it the 1300+ miles to california; i can only imagine what fun it could have been if we got in another accident on the way home... maybe we could even have a semi involved this time, just for luck!).

and so we'll wait until they call us tomorrow. i'm sure the cost will be outrageous.
blaaagghhh.
and so here i am, 1497 miles away in a place that's freezing cold, probably about $600+ in car repairs, and with a feeling that i've been very wrong.

"tomorrow it'll be like none of this ever happened, right?"

no one else will know these lonely dreams; no one else will know that part of me...

2005-03-08T21:57:37Z

it's just one of those days. you wake up with what has managed to (overnight) develop into a full-blown cold. i feel like shit, and i'm fairly certain i don't look much better. i woke up with a song that i haven't listened to in more than two summers running through my head, and recollections of unusually vivid dreams still fresh in my mind. airports, park swings, beaches; all scattered puzzle pieces of my memory that i have never quite been able to fit together. it's probably easiest to say that my body is trying to get back at me for how little sleep i've really been getting. i'm tired during the day, and by the time 10pm rolls around i'm compltely alert. whyyyy.

i'm supposed to be writing a social concepts paper for my evening class, but instead i am using this opportunity to further prolong my procastinary efforts. thank you livejournal! i ignore you for weeks and then update at times when it makes least sense.

i read an interesting statistic from a recent british study that indicated that a women's chances of becoming married dropped 40% (comparitively) for every 16-point rise in her iq. these women were also found to be the rejector more often than the rejectee. HMMMMMMMM hahaha.

i leave in nine days. so close, yet so far. i feel like i'm always counting. days until i leave, years before i'm out of college, times i'll make a mistake before i learn from it. but i really am looking forward to what those ten days will hold. even temoporary escapism works wonders for me, and i'm excited to spend time with people who have come to lead (unfortunately) reduced roles in my life. but i also have a feeling that this will be the first time i won't mind coming home. a little time and a little life lived has served to show me that proximity, in fact, has little to do with emotional status. when you can no longer blame distance, clarity presents itself in a light that can't be ignored. que sera sera, and all that good stuff... it's not starting over, it's only continuing our story.

at which point i should mention that aside from being sick, i'm actually happy.
and i think that's a pretty good note to end this on.
you're = your; THE PRECEDING IS A FALSE STATEMENT.
<3 the sailor, fuck the navy.

no one else will have me like you do
no one else will have me; only you
you'll sit alone forever
if you wait for "the right time"
what are you hoping for?
i'm here, and now i'm ready
holding on tight
don't give away the end; the one thing that stays mine.

i wanna take back everything that i've broken, but the bridges behind me are burning and smoking...

2005-01-26T01:24:29Z

and my lips are raw as hell
from biting on them just to stay awake
but its not like i'm gonna need them
cause you won't be around
to see them bleed and break

and all that i do comes back to you
so i'll just think about you until there's nothing in my head

all i can do
is try not to screw this up again
and "just be friends"
i'd rather be dead

as i was reviewing the last few entries i've made on here, i noticed that i've been projecting an image that isn't really what i was hoping to put out there. not that i necessarily care about what someone who's going to judge me as a result of livejournal thinks, but i don't want to look back on this later only to see records of tragedies and bad nights. and i definitely don't mean to come across as someone whose entire existence is defined by thier romantic relationships (or lack thereof).

vacation to florida and time off work has supplied ample opportunity for thinking about things, and i haven't been one to turn down the chance for such indulgence. i find that my most emotionally productive times are those i spend alone in the enclosed world that is my silver honda civic; listening to whatever is momentarily appealing and driving nowhere. time spent away from certain people and situations has given me a relatively interesting perspective on the way i function, and i can't say that i'm overly pleased with what i've found. i have a hell of a lot to work on. my capability to rationalize has become one of my largest enemies, as i can often talk myself into making the same mistakes twice. and thrice. and on and on. for someone with such a great memory, you might think that it wouldn't be the case. but seeing that i'm someone who consistently finds themselves in the battle of mind vs heart, perhaps it's a bit easier to understand.

and while i maybe am not in the best of places at the moment, it's nice to not feel so plagued by stagnation.

in other news, i cut my hair off (NOTE: SEE PICTURE). i'm still getting used to it. classes start in a bit more than a week, which i am dreading and looking forward to at the same time. my time at cod will be coming to a close before too long, and i think i might actually miss parts of it, as ridiculous as it may sound to some. but, yeah, that's me; forming attachments to the strangest things. work is actually going quite well. a job i enjoy with people i've really come to like... and it's the gap. i get to work until 2am today. er, tonight. gap afterhours party, what what?

and on top of everything else, i'm starting to plan a mission to kansas city in march. it's been far too long since a decent roadtrip, and hopefully the cities of tucson, dallas, kansas city, columbia, omaha, and maybe even chicago (?) will freshen my outlook.

i don't know exactly where i'm going, or exactly what's to come,
but here's hoping that it's good.
<3,
aubrey/aubs/who?/bacardi killa/aubbers/gizmo/the aubinator/aubo/lord of the rings/love of your life.

ps i miss you. =(

and i can't run to you anymore to catch me when i'm falling...

2004-12-31T23:52:22Z

the closing of 2004 has also marked the end of the era for me; one i once thought to be infallible and without hurt. my glasses are far from rose tinted, but the optimism that hides between my sarcastic remarks and chastising glances wanted to believe, even if for only a moment, that love really could win out in the end. perhaps it's a fallacy after all, and i've given everything to a lie that i should've seen through in the first place.

while it feels most like dying, i'd say it's fair to surmise that the sensation provoked by an ailing spirit is most similar to the withering feeling that haunts my chest. it started last night, not that i can rely on the chance of you remembering anything at all... the way i stayed with you on the cold floor of your room, the way i held you while you told me how i'd done you wrong, the way you found spaces between sobs to tell me to leave.

but you really did kill me this afternoon. to know that you can so easily squeeze such complex emotions and circumstance into two tiny categories is disheartening, but to know that you'd rather let go than allow me time for coping with something that has been relatively destructive to my entire being makes the pain almost blinding. things were "open ended" because i didn't want to shut the book on this, but you wrote the ending for us. to shove me in a corner and issue an ultimatum is less than apprehensible, especially when your own recklessness played such a large factor in the situation; which i almost regret mentioning because guilt trips really aren't my style. and i only say almost because, yeah, you broke my heart again today. but i really do hope that you can make your peace with the world someday, but more importantly, that you can make peace with yourself.

while it did feel like bleeding to death, i suppose it's best for me to interpret this as more of a rebirth; being thrust from what was once warm and comfortable into a place of icy uncertainty and regret. all that's left to do is to learn to live again. i am not okay now, and i don't know when i will be. you gave up on me, but it won't be the end.

for every tear
a lesson learned
every good time - golden
but now it's time to let you go
and i will not be broken.

it may take a long time, but i'm certainly not a stranger to waiting. and as i noticed while i was running through the night-time rain in hollywood earlier this week, hope can shine through even the darkest clouds. nobody sees tears when you're standing in a storm. happy new year everyone.

---

1.1.2005
4:15 am

thank you. thank you thank you thank you. see you on monday.

look around as your heart beats empty, look around if you're guilty...

2004-12-17T07:19:48Z

the day began badly enough. my mind crawled back slowly from it's alcohol-induced slumber, as shadows stretched gently across my face from the delicately balanced plastic blinds. for a moment, i forget everything... it wasn't until i noticed my fingers clinging desperately to the piece of metal dangling from my neck that the memories crept back from the shadows.

what hurt most wasn't remembering the current circumstances... but once again feeling the missing happiness that's made itself so elusive, only to have it slip away again. but i suppose that's what i get for having too much to drink and passing out in my once-boyfriend's bed [and yes, i was alone, to avoid further dramatization of the situation].

the morning drive home was somewhat soothing, but i couldn't quell the undeniable desire to leave. it's been stronger lately, and circumstance has left me less inclined to fight.

i've decided that certain people are bad for me; always have been, always will be. but until today, i never knew that i quite possibly have played that same role in the life of someone i thought to hold rather dear. i wonder what pain i've caused you, and for what duration? but to know that chosing to go on without me as a step to the bettering of your life... yeah, it does hurt. but i send you best wishes from a heart i wish was fuller... and please know i do love you, and that i'm sorry; for anything, for everything.

today was one that makes you realize how possibly alone you are. you can be surrounded by people, yet be completely isolated; an impressive talent that i seem to have mastered with painful accuracy. i once chose to believe that i was simply misunderstood, but i stop now to consider that the possibilty that i'm insane isn't without viability. and so the potential to find someone or something with the capability to fathom my behaviors and motivations without explanation fades a little more with each passing day and every new scar.

standing still is far worse than falling could ever be.

so what do i want for christmas? someone to understand.

for all the things i'm losing, i might as well resign myself to try and make a change...

2004-11-19T03:48:25Z

tonight, as a result of a petty "technicality", i had to attend a college workshop on "time and stress management". OMG, SOOO FUN! there were only three of us; me, a chubby asian kid that didn't talk, and a 32 year old replica of mattress. the counsler emphasized three things you should never do while attending college:

1. work more than 20 hours
2. attempt more than 12 units unless you have no other obligations
3. FALL IN LOVE

gee, thanks for the life advice mr. counsler man! i guess i fail all three of those, considering that in the past year i have:

1. worked 30+ hours a week (and now at a job i just started);
2. took 12+ units
3. josh

i must suck at life!! while i would agree that i do have a relatively high level of stress at the present, i reaaaaaaaally don't think that workshop provided any service other than the murder of my soul. and i shall never regain those 87 minutes.

oh, and i have a date with this man on december 6.
anyone else want to go?